I was a science student in school. Mathematics was one of my favorite subjects and one in which I excelled. The simple elegance of algorithms and formulae which could be used to solve all problems appealed to me.
Thus, naturally, when I became a mother four years ago, I religiously read tons of parenting books in my quest to discover the algorithm for bringing up a perfect baby.
I wanted to find the foolproof formulae for putting baby to sleep, for feeding baby, for stimulating the cognitive and social development of baby, for disciplining baby – in other words, I was trying to look for the perfect solution for the typical concerns of new mothers.
And when my baby grew up and became a toddler, I wanted to find the formulae for raising the perfect toddler.
Four years on and two children later, I have discovered that there is no algorithm for bringing up a perfect child.
But before you think that this translates to an ‘all hell break loose’ situation at home, let me explain how I now rely on five general guiding principles to respond to each situation and child.
1. See from the child’s point of view
Whatever their age, children are never too young to have others see things from their perspective.
When my children were babies and could not talk, putting myself into their shoes helped me to figure out their needs when they were crying or unhappy, and to then handle the situation accordingly.
My little one used to scream when a group of adults fussed over her at parties. I figured out that she just needed time to warm up and would be quite content to observe others from the sideline initially.
Now that my children are toddlers and though small in stature, they can be fiercely independent and strong-willed. Sometimes what they need is just for me to listen, understand and acknowledge their point of view, whether I agree with them or not.
Knowing their unique temperament helps too in guessing their motivations. Thus, when my eldest daughter refuses to come for lunch when called, it’s not because she is being disobedient; I know that she just tends to be highly conscientious about her work and I can see from her point of view that she would prefer to complete her task before taking a break.
2. Be consistent
I have learnt the hard way that children are fast learners.
Set a precedent such as allowing ice-cream before lunch and they would be quick to request the same in the future. Thankfully, they learn fast too that they don’t always get their way.
What I have found most helpful is to set out clear policies about what are acceptable behaviors and what are not, and be consistent in adhering to these.
If exceptions have to be made, then make clear that these are special occasions, like allowing the children to stay up late only when grandma is here for a visit.
Of course, every household would likely have different policies, and there is no single perfect policy – it really depends on your lifestyle and personal values.
3. Think long-term
When the parenting gets tough, it is easy to lose perspective.
That is when I remind myself of my long-term objectives in parenting, which for me are inculcating the right values in my children and establishing open, trusting relationships with them. Thus, I sometimes negotiate on the outcomes or just take a deep breath and let the small things go if they are of little consequences.
Before you scream at your child and force her to do something that she doesn’t want, consider: is this a trivial issue or a matter of great consequence?
If it is something trivial, such as not finishing all her food down to the very last pea in her bowl or the very last drop of milk in her cup, I have found it is not worth the fight.
On the other hand, there are other moments when I will insist on doing what is best for the children’s health and safety, rather than what is popular with them.
4. Inspire love, not fear
Between the proverbial carrot and the stick, I try to choose the carrot first and use the stick only when all else fails.
With young children, I find it better to inspire love than fear in them. Children naturally look up to their parents as role models and are often willing to be very co-operative with those whom they love.
I imagine myself having a bank of love with each child. I gain credit each time I spend time reading to them, listening to them, playing with them and making them laugh. This gives me sufficient credit to draw upon for the difficult times when I need to seek their cooperation for good behaviors.
Conversely, when the ‘love bank’ is in deficit, it’s usually that much harder for me to even get them to complete everyday tasks such as keeping their toys, taking their baths or having their teeth brushed.
5. No one is perfect
As much as I aspire to be the perfect mother and for my children to be the perfect children, the reality is that no one is perfect.
I know that I cannot expect my children to be perfectly behaved all the time and to be perfect in every way.
Similarly, I no longer doubt or blame myself unnecessarily on days when things don’t turn out right with the children.
I now take each day as it comes, with all its unpredictable ups and downs, and treat all that comes as joyful, learning experiences.
And this is what keeps me going every day, no longer the search for the algorithm for a perfect child.
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